The principal question I asked myself before creating this blog was - why tie it to my name and online identity? There's enough online to pretty definitively tie it to me. And the answer is of course complicated, and will invariably change depending on how I'm feeling each day. Right now, the answer is that I don't want to hide who I am. God will understand, even if people might not.
But why make it public? Why not a private diary via private-view posts? Why not a series of posts on Dropbox or a private website? Maybe I'll switch to that later. Maybe because it constrains the writing, keeps it focused. If it's private only, invariably things will be shared that sully the overall thoughts. Perhaps, think of this as a semi-private coming out, for who will find it? You'd have to see my blog, click on my profile, then see this other blog. Google shouldn't be able to index it. So it's public, but hopefully won't be saved for all eternity. And even if someone finds it, who will care but other Jews?
So what's so tough? Simply, I don't want to pretend to be something I'm not.
I don't believe in God per the thirteen principles of faith.
1, 4, 6, 7, 8, 9, 11, 12, 13 - Can't say I believe in these. Some of the others are a neutral, and 2, 3, 10 are currently a yes.
Naturally I'll go into everything in detail over time. Sometimes more belief happens, sometimes less.
I can honestly say that I lost my faith in college. Except I didn't run from it. Even through a brief phase of bible criticism and a short phase where I felt like an atheist, I had no desire to reject Judaism, worship, practice, habits. Even now it is like this.
Except with the passing of months, I feel less inclined to pay literal lip service in the worship of a God whose whole perception in Judaism is not how I feel Him to be. I pray out of rote, but even that is becoming more difficult. Why do I think in my heart one thing, profess another, and vocally pronounce a third? How long can I pretend to be something I'm not?
On Shabbat I ruminated about all this for a while. To prospective dates I say "I keep kosher and am Shomer Shabbat". But what does this really mean? Devil's in the details. I keep kosher within the house, two things I don't do right - I haven't immersed my vessels, and my blech isn't the right one. Do I daven on Shabbat? Not always (partly because the shul davens from 9 AM until 1:45 PM and beyond during Shabbat day). Sometimes I don't want to go and sit for hours in shul. Do I observe shabbat? Absolutely. Do I invite friends over? No, not typically, and this is something to work on, although first I'd have to get used to davening for about 2 hours Friday evening.
Am I shomer mitzvot? No, not all. But it's actually pretty cool how little of the Judaism I think makes up Judaism is actually part of the 613 mitzvot.
Do I grow spiritually? No, not really. Do I want to? First I'd need to get past some roadblocks in my relationship with Judaism, God, and belief in general.
And another reason to start writing like this. Well, two reasons. First, increasingly it's hard for me to profess to be Modern Orthodox liberal when my heart really isn't in it. I'm not immortal, and I'd rather not spend my life in a lie. Women should know how it really is. Second, what about children? I don't want to pretend to be a form of religious or observant or worshipping that kids will see right through.
And a last reason, I type better than I write.
So there you have it. I'll post here anytime something comes up and I feel something can be worked through by writing. Most of the posts will be spur of the moment and "stream of consciousness" like this one. Others will be an exploration of the fundamentals (what is belief, what do other writers think it's about).
But why make it public? Why not a private diary via private-view posts? Why not a series of posts on Dropbox or a private website? Maybe I'll switch to that later. Maybe because it constrains the writing, keeps it focused. If it's private only, invariably things will be shared that sully the overall thoughts. Perhaps, think of this as a semi-private coming out, for who will find it? You'd have to see my blog, click on my profile, then see this other blog. Google shouldn't be able to index it. So it's public, but hopefully won't be saved for all eternity. And even if someone finds it, who will care but other Jews?
So what's so tough? Simply, I don't want to pretend to be something I'm not.
I don't believe in God per the thirteen principles of faith.
| Principle 1 |
|
I believe by complete faith that the Creator, blessed be His name, is the Creator and Guide for all created beings. He alone made, makes, and will make all that is created. |
|
Principle 2 |
|
I believe by complete faith that the Creator,
blessed be His name, is a Unity, and there is no union in any way like
Him. He alone is our God, who was, who is, and who is to be. |
|
Principle 3 |
|
I believe by complete faith that the Creator, blessed be His name, is not a body, is not affected by physical matter, and nothing whatsoever can compare to Him [or be compared with Him]. |
|
Principle 4 |
|
I believe by complete faith that the Creator, blessed be His name, is the first and is the last. |
|
Principle 5 |
|
I believe by complete faith that the Creator, blessed be His name, to
Him alone is it fitting to make prayer and to another prayer shall not
be made. |
|
Principle 6 |
|
I believe by complete faith that all the words of the prophets are true. |
|
Principle 7 |
|
I believe by complete faith that the prophesy of Moses our teacher,
may peace rest upon him, was true and that he was the father of all
prophets that preceded him as well as all that came after him. |
|
Principle 8 |
|
I believe by complete faith that the whole
Torah now found in our hands was the exact same one given to Moses, may
peace rest upon him. |
|
Principle 9 |
|
I believe by complete faith that this is the Torah, and it shall not
be changed and it shall not be replaced with another from the Creator,
blessed be His name. |
|
Principle 10 |
|
I believe by complete faith that the Creator,
blessed be His name, knows every action done by each human being as well
as all their thoughts, as it was said, "It is He that fashions their
hearts together and He ponders all ther deeds" [Ps. 33:15]. |
|
Principle 11 |
|
I believe by complete faith that the Creator, blessed be His name,
rewards all who keep His commandments and punishes all those who
transgress His commands. |
|
Principle 12 |
|
I believe by complete faith in the coming of
the Messiah, and even though he tarry in waiting, in spite of that, I
will still wait expectantly for him each day that he will come |
|
Principle 13 |
|
I believe by complete faith that there will be a resurrection of the dead at the time that will be pleasing before the Creator, blessed be His name, and the remembrance of Him will be exalted forever and for all eternity. |
1, 4, 6, 7, 8, 9, 11, 12, 13 - Can't say I believe in these. Some of the others are a neutral, and 2, 3, 10 are currently a yes.
Naturally I'll go into everything in detail over time. Sometimes more belief happens, sometimes less.
I can honestly say that I lost my faith in college. Except I didn't run from it. Even through a brief phase of bible criticism and a short phase where I felt like an atheist, I had no desire to reject Judaism, worship, practice, habits. Even now it is like this.
Except with the passing of months, I feel less inclined to pay literal lip service in the worship of a God whose whole perception in Judaism is not how I feel Him to be. I pray out of rote, but even that is becoming more difficult. Why do I think in my heart one thing, profess another, and vocally pronounce a third? How long can I pretend to be something I'm not?
On Shabbat I ruminated about all this for a while. To prospective dates I say "I keep kosher and am Shomer Shabbat". But what does this really mean? Devil's in the details. I keep kosher within the house, two things I don't do right - I haven't immersed my vessels, and my blech isn't the right one. Do I daven on Shabbat? Not always (partly because the shul davens from 9 AM until 1:45 PM and beyond during Shabbat day). Sometimes I don't want to go and sit for hours in shul. Do I observe shabbat? Absolutely. Do I invite friends over? No, not typically, and this is something to work on, although first I'd have to get used to davening for about 2 hours Friday evening.
Am I shomer mitzvot? No, not all. But it's actually pretty cool how little of the Judaism I think makes up Judaism is actually part of the 613 mitzvot.
Do I grow spiritually? No, not really. Do I want to? First I'd need to get past some roadblocks in my relationship with Judaism, God, and belief in general.
And another reason to start writing like this. Well, two reasons. First, increasingly it's hard for me to profess to be Modern Orthodox liberal when my heart really isn't in it. I'm not immortal, and I'd rather not spend my life in a lie. Women should know how it really is. Second, what about children? I don't want to pretend to be a form of religious or observant or worshipping that kids will see right through.
And a last reason, I type better than I write.
So there you have it. I'll post here anytime something comes up and I feel something can be worked through by writing. Most of the posts will be spur of the moment and "stream of consciousness" like this one. Others will be an exploration of the fundamentals (what is belief, what do other writers think it's about).
Comments
Post a Comment